Reasons Even Santa Would Hurt You

This post has absolutely nothing to do with internet marketing. No, this post is about ways you can get me to beat the living hell out of you before Christmas.

This is a post aimed at every ignorant ass out there who has done any of the following things during the busiest shopping season of the year.

Some of the things below might be perfectly acceptable if they weren’t done within the two weeks before Christmas. However, when done within those two weeks, they risk your health and well-being. At least if I am the person who has had as much as I can take behind you.

#8: Parking in front of the store

First, it is never legal to park here. It’s a fire zone you morons and you are not only being an asshole blocking traffic, but you’re risking the lives of everyone inside should a fire ensue.

Secondly, you’re blocking traffic and forcing people to drive around your ass in a crowded parking lot after waiting ten minutes for the people coming the other way who are in a “no way are you cutting in front of my ass, I’m sick of this yuletide shit and I want to get to Futureshop before it closes” mood.

Pedestrians are every where, little kids are running all over the place and you’re literally risking lives. Added points for also thinking that you are so damn important that you can’t be bothered to park in the parking lot and WALK TO THE DOOR like the rest of us. Picking up a big item? Bring other people with you to carry it to your car. I know, but can you believe the concept actually works?

#7: Dropping someone off in front of the store

While perfectly acceptable in non-busy shopping seasons, especially if it’s grandma, this is utterly unacceptable during the holiday shopping season. The asshole in number eight is already causing traffic problems and then you want to come along, stop and let someone, who is always slow as fuck and oblivious to the fact that they are causing a traffic clusterfuck, get out slowly in the “no way are you cutting in front of my ass, I’m sick of this yuletide shit and I want to get to Futureshop before it closes” lane?

No. And, beware the attempts to do so may result in some angry driver simply losing their damn mind because they need to get to Futureshop too and stepping on the gas to send grandma flying up and over the windshield (or at least cause further traffic issues while I daydream about doing it). Unless you have two wooden legs, your ass can walk from the parking lot like everyone else.

#6: “Catching up” with sales clerks

There is a time and place for catching up with old friends. In the two weeks before Christmas, in a hot and packed store when the “old friend” is a sales clerk the rest of us need to talk to in order to buy the things that will give our loved ones some fucking merriment is not one of them.

I don’t give a shit how big Charlie is getting or if Dan still lives on the west side. I need this shirt on the mannequin in a medium and can’t reach the top shelf where they are being stored. And funnily enough, I need the person who works here that you’re inconsiderately bullshitting with to get it for me. And I still have to go to fucking Futureshop people! Give the clerk your number (after you move off to the side to write it down) and let the rest of us get on with our lives.

Ditto the sales clerks chatting with each other. You’re almost as bad since you’re both being paid to waste precious moments of my life. I say almost because I have zero hesitation in interrupting your asses to get me my shirt.

#5: Blocking the aisles

The stores are crowded enough and shopping in the two weeks before Christmas is already the task from hell. You people who make it harder by blocking the aisles with your baby strollers and fat asses aren’t helping anything. Here are a few what normally would be called etiquette tips that in this two week timeframe can be referred to as survival tips.

First, if the store is extremely small (think of most “EB Games in a mall” size stores) leave your freaking stroller outside, scoop precious up into your damn arms and carry him in. Better yet, have someone else wait outside with precious AND the obstruction to foot traffic. If you think someone won’t knock you AND precious over to get the last Wii Fit in the tri-state area, you’re sadly mistaken.

Second, if you must stop to look at something, please stay as close to the actual shelves as possible, be aware of people trying to pass you and make it easy for them. And for fucks sake, get off the cell phone before someone yanks it out of your ear and shoves it down your throat.

#4: Walking while oblivious

As a tip, blindly walking into the parking lot in front of cars who have spent 10 minutes dealing with the morons in number eight and number seven is not a smart move. Contrary to public belief, people not wanting to hit you, even if you’re an asshole walking in front of cars without any nod of “go ahead” from the drivers inside them is not the same as you having the “right of way”. I WILL hit you if there is a chance I might not make it to Futureshop before it closes.

#3: Cockblocking your parking space

I know you saw me asshole. Yeah, me. The person who saw you leaving, never bugged you and simply turned on their blinker and waited for you to put all your bullshit in your car slow as hell because you’re on your cell phone. The person who waited for you as you continued to talk on the damn phone and warm up your car. The person who will now finally get gratification as you start to pull out.

Until you exit the space in a way that blocks me from being able to get into it and lets that asshole coming from the other direction to slip in even though I’ve been waiting for six minutes and thirty-two seconds. And I can’t even blame the other guy – they simply jumped on an opportunity. It was you, you inconsiderate asshat, who saw me waiting and cockblocked your space.

#2: Cutting in line

This is likely the second most deadly thing you can do during the holiday season. To the bitch whose boyfriend was in front of me in Mexx the other day, we all know you fucking saw us. Yeah us. The people who stood patiently in line waiting to pay for our designer threads.

The people who watched you come up, AFTER he had already paid for his purchase and his items were being bagged and slap an extra item on the counter that you paid for (not him), with your credit card (not his) and waited for it to be put into your bag (not his). That made it your purchase (and not his) and meant your stuck up, valley girl, daddy probably pays my credit card bill ass CUT IN LINE.

I’m the bitch who point blank asked you who the hell gave you the right to cut in front of everyone behind you as you paid the store clerk who began to shake at thoughts of the impending riot about to happen. I’m the bitch who told the store clerk he was “gutless” for not making you go to the back of the line where you belong and was met applause from six of the other people you cut in front of for doing so.

You’re lucky Futureshop was only open for one more hour or I might have slapped the hell out of you instead of yelling out that you were an asshole as you walked from the store with your sullied purchase.

#1: Forcing a price check for less than one dollar

This is extremely annoying during any time of the year. But when you force a price check over seventy nine cents with double digit people waiting behind you (one of which is me standing there with my items waiting to check out of Futureshop and be done with this holiday hell) three days before Christmas, you have earned the world’s biggest asshole award.

I wish there was a way to make you swallow that seventy nine cents. I even offered to GIVE you the seventy nine cents. But no, your cheap, pathetic ass insists on the price check. The clerk hates you. We (the people behind you) hate you. And the person you’re buying that gift should hate you. Cause you’re an asshole.

Merry Christmas folks.

About Rae Hoffman

Rae Hoffman aka "Sugarrae" is an affiliate marketing veteran and the CEO of PushFire, a search marketing agency specializing in SEO audits and link building strategies. She is also the author of the often controversial Sugarrae blog. You can connect with Rae via Twitter, Google+ and Facebook.

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